The Toxic Legacy of Self-Hatred: How Negative Stereotypes Impact Black Children and The Adults They Become
My colleague cared for her ailing mother for many years before her mother died. She was bedridden, and my colleague would show me live videos of house monitoring cameras as she watched the care nurse she paid to feed her incapacitated mother. Then she relayed how her mother told her one day when she was nine, “You are the ugliest thing I have ever encountered.” You know the wound that was left because, at 40-plus years, she told the story with the same level of hurt she likely felt that day. My heart broke because, objectively, this is a gorgeous woman. She will never believe this because her mother transferred her self-loathing to her daughter.
The belief that anything black is inferior and unworthy has been propagated for centuries through various media, from advertisements to films and television shows. These negative stereotypes have become part of the collective consciousness and are often internalized by black and brown people. The issue of black children being disregarded by their parents because of their skin color is a manifestation of profoundly ingrained self-hatred rooted in the history of enslavement, colonization, and systemic racism designed to hoard resources among a few people who believe in whiteness.
For people like my colleague, growing up in a household where they are constantly reminded of their supposed inferiority can devastate their self-esteem and sense of self-worth. Black girls, in particular, are often subjected to Eurocentric beauty standards prioritizing straight hair, light skin, and thin bodies. Kids back home often had their mothers put clothes pegs on their noses to make them pointed and straight like white people. This stomping on a child’s self-confidence can lead to various negative consequences, including disordered eating, skin bleaching, hair straightening with toxic chemicals like lye relaxers, and even unnecessary plastic surgeries.
On the other hand, Black and brown boys can grow up with damaging beliefs about the beauty of black women. When discussing beauty topics, my grandmother would say, “A woman’s hair is her beauty,” referring to long straight hair. Many of them internalize that lighter-skinned women with Eurocentric features are more attractive than dark-skinned black women. This can lead to colorism, discrimination, and the perpetuation of the same damaging stereotypes that have plagued the black community for generations. There were days when a bank teller in the Caribbean was always of lighter complexion with straightened hair because rich folks did not want black people touching their money.
Another female colleague came to me one day and said he did not like a friend because he did not like Black women. He was a black, eligible bachelor who said nasty things about black women. His first and second wives were white, and he only dated white or Asian women. Black women in the office resented him because while he flirted with them, he never showed any interest in their beauty. He made some remarks about Black women smelling, which I told him was stupid and that he should never say such a thing again to anyone.
I have a Black friend who says he does not like Black women. I have had hard conversations with him about this because he voiced it out loud to women in the office. He is only a symptom of his colonized mentality. He had three siblings. His mother’s favorite child was the daughter with light-skinned and hazel eyes. My friend had fewer Eurocentric features. He is no less damaged than my colleague with the misguided mother. We never stray far from our upbringing, so in both cases, mothers left a deep scar that affected their grown-up lives. Later, I understood why my female colleague had a full-length plus a hand-held face mirror in her office and had regular sessions of self-affirmations alone and aloud. She is not weird. She hurts!
Like her, some of us try to overcome these painful feelings by ourselves. Overcoming these damaging stereotypes requires a concerted effort from the society as a whole. White people in control of marketing imagery, for example, must play a role in being anti-racist and sensitive to the damage they cause by showcasing white-only beauty. It involves challenging and confronting our beliefs, actively promoting positive images of black people, and creating a culture that values and celebrates diversity. It also requires recognizing self-hatred’s harmful impact on children and working to create a more supportive and affirming environment for them to thrive.
The black community must actively challenge and confront negative stereotypes to break free from the damaging cycle of self-hatred. Small things count. When appropriate, I compliment Black women about their hair, especially when it is natural, or note any unique feature to remind them that they are beautiful and that a man, who may not be interested in them, thinks so objectively. By promoting positive images of black people and celebrating diversity, we can create a society where black children feel valued and supported. It’s time to recognize the harm caused by self-hatred and work together to build a future where every black child can grow up feeling proud of their heritage and confident in their skin.
